Bryan and I have an excellent idea for a Halloween costume. You wouldn't believe it! But...money, energy, and places to show off are limited. So that sucks ass. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, my oldest boy is at the beach enjoying himself as if winter were not on its way. It seems as if he is having a great time. He was so reluctant to go. It wasn't that he didn't want to see everyone but the plane ride really freaked him out. He was to take it alone! He said he wouldn't go if he had to go alone. Guess what I get to do this weekend on top of celebrating my younger son's fourth birthday? I'm not happy about it but I had to get my oldest boy to go because he hasn't spent time with his father's side of the family in a long time.
It isn't like they go out of their way to keep in constant contact with him, either. They are nice folks, but the idea of "connection" is lost on them. I'm not the best at it myself but I am trying.
Right now I am thinking about my dad. The last time we spoke, well...I was an idiot and said quite a few hateful things. I let anger and rage speak in place of rationale sometimes and that is not good! My situation with my dad is that I have always adored him. I was one of those die-hard daddy's girls. Trouble is, my dad had this habit of walking out (quite often) and he and I never had a real relationship. I tried my best to make my dad proud of me...actually that isn't it. What I wanted most from my dad is for him to go out of his way for once to keep in touch with me.
I have always wished that he would want to talk to me, rather than when it was convenient. I had to beg him and my stepmother to come to my son's first birthday. They dote on my stepbrother's children and damn near disregard my children and their feelings. They have out and out lied to my children. They have made promises to them and broke them. They spend a lot of time and money on those children of my stepbrother's and then I have to pretty much pull their teeth to get them to acknowledge me let alone hang out with me.
So yeah, my last email was awful. Especially in light of the good that they have done. I won't negate this. But let me shine this extra special light on the good parts: they do for me what they do for the friendly next door neighbors. What they do for the Brazilian exchange workers. What they do for someone they don't even know. Dad gave me his truck to come to Wisconsin. It was nearly broke-down but it was better than nothing. I traded my 1995 Pontiac GTP for it so it wasn't like it was a "gift". They gave me two hundred dollars, completely free of repayment...it was a Christmas-slash-birthday present.
That was all very nice. And I appreciate it still, very much, to this day. I think about how kind they were and then I remember that I'm their daughter and they haven't called or written or anything. No birthday cards came in the mail for me, for my son...past issues mixed in with current issues and I let it rip.
I won't even go into the darker secrets that have boiled beneath my skin for my entire life!
With all this out in the open, I have to let it be known that I miss my father. As much as he hurts me and breaks my heart. As much as he has let me down and doesn't try to make amends. We'll never be close. The one that I was close to, and did not want to be close to, is in the grave. She drank herself to death. Four years from now, I'll be the same age as she was when she passed. I think he isn't close because I look just like her. That's not my fault and I know this but I can understand how difficult it is to see a familiar face that you loved and left.
I ramble too much...
Today was a good day, even though I discovered that my stove won't stay lit and I am stuck on the stovetop for cooking (or the crockpot). Both of my sons are going to be Ninjas. Isn't that funny? It took my youngest boy two hours to pick out a costume, only to settle on the ninja. Ah, Halloween is so much fun. Then I got the glass replaced for the curio cabinet that broke during the move. The guy who cut the glass was so very nice, even though two customers behind me were quite rude and impatient. I even allowed them to get their business done first.
When it was all said and done, he thanked me for my patience. I thanked him for his speedy and well-done work. My youngest son was with me and not just moments before he was aping the other customer, exclaiming, "Why is he taking so long?" I turned and replied, "Because quality things take time." I wanted to add, "If you want shitty things, just go to the drive-thru."
That's life right now. One big drive-thru. People act impatient, rude, put-off, put-out. It is just ridiculous. I realize that their time is just as important as mine but they need to realize that everyone's time is just as important as theirs. It also urks me to see people walk away from something the moment that they get frustrated. Not just walk away--they leave it for good. This applies to everything: relationships. Projects. Living in general. Which I guess is why I have clung to my little hope that dad and I would get along. I don't give up too easily. You may see the length of my marriage and believe otherwise but I assure you, that marriage was just doomed and I tried my heart out. When all the other person wants to do is what that other person wants to do and they don't want to compromise, then it cannot work out.
Wow, I am all over the gamut today. I think it is because I have this strange feeling inside. I got an odd feeling six years ago and discovered that it was that "biological clock" kind of thing. Not everyone experiences it. I did. Now, I have another kind of "clock" feeling coming on and it is screaming at me. It makes me cry and my heart breaks when I focus on this feeling.
I know there is an end to life, I have accepted this since I was very young. I have a newfound fear, however, that I will die unrequited entirely. I feel that I have something to offer yet when I try to offer it, I stop myself because I feel it isn't that good of an offer to be offering someone. Oh, how many times can a person put offer in a sentence and have it make sense? I'm talented I tell ya.
With that said, I was very reluctant to do this blogging thing on a long-standing basis because I have a tendency to let my inner turmoil leak out and I don't want to share that with the world. Not that the world is paying attention, mind you, but it is like pissing in public. Not everyone will look, not everyone will stop, not everyone will comment. But the world can see you.
Ah well, maybe someone out there will laugh. Or cry. Or say, "Hey." It doesn't matter I suppose. Though I must say, living like there is no tomorrow takes so much more energy than you could ever imagine. It is more than being awake and forcing yourself to spend time with your loved ones. Or taking risks. Or even trying new things. It is committing yourself to creating the best memories that you can with your loved ones so that when you are gone, you will always stay with them. Not just in their memories or photos...in their hearts.
With that, I think I am done. I won't even do my obsessive re-read. I'm just going to post.
Wear a smile.
mG
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